


What I Wouldn't Do

by cksdemons



Category: The Newsroom (US TV)
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-09-05
Updated: 2013-09-15
Packaged: 2017-12-25 17:52:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/955981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cksdemons/pseuds/cksdemons
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Takes place post-2x07 in terms of timeline. References to all of Season 2.</p><p>"He was just sitting there and looking at her every now and then, as if he was afraid she would suddenly transform into a bomb and explode. But he probably wasn’t going to run if she did."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. If we were children, I'd bake you a mud pie.

**Author's Note:**

> Title and chapter titles come from A Fine Frenzy's song "What I Wouldn't Do"

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_**CHAPTER 1: If we were children, I'd bake you a mud pie.** _

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\-------------------

“So I think we’re going to stop here for today. It’s already past one, so if I have any further questions, I’ll call for you on another day. Thank you.”

Mackenzie thought Rebecca Halliday was a much nicer person than she expected any well-paid corporate lawyer to be. Sure, she asked questions that were a pain in the ass to answer, but Mackenzie knew she was just doing her job, and doing it really well. She nodded and whispered her thanks to the rest of the room and opened the door to find Will sitting on the floor, leaning his head against the wall.

“You’re still here?”

Will opened his eyes and stood up, and reached out and grabbed her by the shoulders, just like he did on the night of the Bin Laden broadcast.

“It’s going to be okay.”

“You didn’t have to wait. You didn’t get me in trouble, you know. I got you in trouble.”

“It was Jerry’s fault and no one else’s.”

Mackenzie didn’t remember the last time she had heard Will be so firm on something, so intent on convincing her of what seemed like the simple truth. A part of her wanted to be able to blame all of this on Jerry and say that he had every intention of deceiving all of them. But it was her fault that she was deceived. If only she had caught it before…

“Stop thinking about it. Let’s go get a drink.”

Will grabbed her forearm and dragged her all the way to Hang Chew’s. Before she knew it, she was already into her second glass of whiskey and feeling braver than she did an hour ago. She was beginning to think she should have done this a while ago because the whiskey was certainly helping with some of the forgetting and feeling less guilty. Will, on the other hand, wasn’t even finished with his first and all he seemed to be doing was watching her but not watching her at the same time. He was just sitting there and looking at her every now and then, as if he was afraid she would suddenly transform into a bomb and explode. But he probably wasn’t going to run if she did.

“I know now is probably a terrible time for both of us to be asking this question…”

“Then don’t ask it.”

“…but how is it going with Nina Howard?”

He scoffed and looked at Mackenzie, probably hoping she was asking him jokingly. But she stared on, daring him to answer and he took a big sip of his scotch.

“Well I can’t for the life of me see why you thought this was a terrible time to ask, seeing as how we’re in the middle of considering whether we should resign and ruining our reputation and our careers for life, ending it all in disgrace…”

“Just answer the damn question, Will.”

“Why are you asking, anyway?”

Will didn’t meet her eyes. He was just looking at his glass and she decided that his unwillingness to answer her question was going to make her bolder and more annoying. The more the whiskey flowed in her system, the more she thought she couldn’t care less what anyone thought of her.

“Because, I’m curious and I need something really titillating to take my mind off things.”

“Titillating?”

“What? I can use big words to describe…”

“It’s not really going.”

“Uh oh, is there trouble ahead for Will and Nina? Find out next week on, ‘The Desperate Gossip Columnist…'”

“I ended it.”

Mackenzie looked at Will as he finally finished his scotch and ordered another. She could see hints of him starting to fume and become more annoyed with her but she had enough whiskey pounding in her ear to not listen to the more sane voices in her head.

“Well…I wish I could honestly say that I was sorry, but…”

“Don’t…bother. I know.”

She could see that he was beginning to flush and she wasn’t sure if that was because he was angry with her or with someone else. She thought maybe now was the time for her to pause and order another glass.

“I know tomorrow is Saturday but I remember how much you can drink before you’re wasted and you’re getting really close to it.”

“Oh shut up. I can take care of myself.”

He sighed and shook his head as Mackenzie took the first sip of her third glass. A few minutes of silence later, Mackenzie decided that there was enough whiskey now in her system to piss him off some more because honestly, she didn’t know what else she could be doing without breaking down about what was happening to her professionally.

“What were you thinking? Did your mission to civilize include civilizing her in the bedroom? For a whole month, you just decided…”

“Six.”

“What?”

“It was six. We dated for six months.”

Mackenzie thought that the shock of hearing the news about Will and Nina would be a one-time thing. She didn’t know why she hadn’t heard anything about how long they were dating and she didn’t know when she had suddenly decided that they had dated for a month. In the back of her mind, she probably wanted to believe that it was just a few rolls in the hay, a couple of less-inhibitive nights on Will’s part. But six months? He dated her for half a year and all this time, Mac had thought that she and he were maybe starting to build some of their tension back. Well, who was the desperate housewife now?

“You…you were seeing _her_ when your father passed away?”

“Yes.”

It shouldn’t have been that big of a deal but somehow, that sobered her up completely. Any kind of lazy and protective haze that was getting ready to overcome her was chased away by the thought of Will and Nina, being intimate and dating. For six months.

“Okay. Well…this has been an incredible success at taking my mind off the disaster that is my professional life and onto the calamity that is my personal life. So, thanks. I’ll see you on Monday.”

Mackenzie downed the glass of whiskey, put down a hundred dollar bill and walked out as quickly as she could and she rushed to call for a cab. But apparently all the cab drivers in New York City were determined to not stop for her that night, or at least until Will stepped out and grabbed her flailing arm.

“How could you? Of all people, you’re going to whore yourself out to the bitch who attacked you with that vicious trash she calls features and who hacked my phone, listened to the _private_ voicemail that you left for _me_ and then proceeded to delete it? Are you fucking kidding me?!?”

She was glad she had finished that third glass of whiskey because now she really didn’t give a shit what the people walking by thought of her and her yelling at Will McAvoy, the face of ACN. But what was really surprising was that Will was looking at her the whole time, not saying a word and not looking around timidly, wondering if anyone was filming this with their phone or tweeting about it. He was staring at her as if he was daring her to go further. Normally, she would have stopped but this time, she felt the strange need to oblige him.

“So you date her for half a year and meanwhile, you make the team and me look like utter fools, going on ACN morning and wearing that damned football helmet because it makes you more affable! How many people, do you think, watched that and said, ‘You know what, I actually like him more now that he threw that ball solidly through the tire. I really want to watch a show hosted by him that talks about serious news.’ How can you do this?! How can you completely ignore our faith in you and our respect for you? How can you just betray…”

She stopped, dead in her tracks. Will still wasn’t saying anything, watching her with his arms crossed. She had no idea what was happening when tears were freely flowing down her face and Will was pulling them both into a cab.


	2. Never learned to climb a tree, but I would try.

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_**CHAPTER 2: Never learned to climb a tree, but I would try.** _

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_**\-------------** _

She was barely conscious during the cab ride back to her place and until Will carried her into her own home and plopped her down on the bed.

"Will, I'm sorry."

Will was on his way out of her bedroom when she called out to him. He stopped in the doorway and something about the way he stood there, egged Mackenzie on.

"The first time you trusted me, I broke your heart and the second time you trusted me, I ruin everything. For you and for me. I'm really sorry."

She saw his form sag and when he turned around, he was already taking off his jacket. He came and sat on the bed.

"I'm sorry about…ACN morning. And you didn't ruin everything, Jerry did. Stop apologizing to me about it."

"What about the first time? When do you think my apologies for that are going to actually start meaning something to you?"

She half-expected him to yell at her again and spew out nasty venom that was going to burn what was left of her alcohol-ridden heart, but he didn't. Will was just staring out her bedroom window, biting his lower lip.

"I don't know."

His answer seemed honest enough to shut Mackenzie up. The more time elapsed from their years together, the more it seemed like she would never get them back. She wanted to tell him that if they linger just a little bit longer, this thing could actually be over. A part of her thought that he wouldn't want that either but she wasn't sure. After all, she did just find out that he dated someone for half a year, which is much better than the parade of women he went through a year ago.

"Listen…"

Mackenzie sat up a little in bed and faced him. He was still facing the window and not looking at her. With the whiskey still working its way through, she grabbed his face with both of her hands and turned him to look at her. It was the most intimate physical connection they had had in a very long time and she knew that's what he was thinking now too.

"I fucked everything up. Not just Genoa but…us, the life we would have had together. It wasn't your fault that time and it isn't yours this time so don't think about resigning.  _I_  will."

"Mac…"

"Like you said before, I can't do anything quietly so I'll probably make a lot of noise on my way out but I'm probably going to end up not producing your show anymore."

"I'm not going to accept…"

"Just…listen. I'm not finished. Now, I'm not just saying this because I'm really drunk but… it was taking a toll on me. Us. Me wondering when I can start to feel like you won't hate me and… wondering if you'd ever be interested in trying us again."

This shut Will up and he just stared at her, looking like he wasn't quite sure whether he was hearing what he thought he was hearing. Mackenzie just couldn't tell if it was in a good way or a bad way.

"I don't mean to sound completely inane but I've been single since Wade and you've obviously taken things into your own hands and made up your mind to see other women. And I get that, it's just… Recently, it felt like it was getting harder. With Nina and everything."

Will looked like he didn't know what to say or where to start. He was starting to realize that she was completely opening up to him about her feelings and how she was dealing with the very complicated puzzle that was the two of them.

"What are you saying?"

"I guess… Oh, screw it. I'm asking you, do you think you can ever, I mean  _ever_ , love me again?"

Mackenzie wasn't quite sure if she'd be able to hear his answer because all she could hear was the blood rushing from her rapidly beating heart straight to her ears. She felt like her eyes were going to pop out and her skull felt like it was on the verge of cracking wide open. Yes, this was a drunken mistake. One that she could either be glad she made or that she could regret for a long time to come.

"Mackenzie, I… I can't predict the future. I can't even tell you what's going to happen tomorrow."

She cast her eyes down to look at her feet, which were a little red from the heels she was wearing during the day. She was about to take his answer and be done with it but an image of Will and Nina flashed before her eyes, and she engaged. Again.

"Just give me a straight answer, Billy, yes or no?!"

"Yes!"

She stopped breathing but his chest was heaving. He closed his eyes shut and then covered his face with his right hand, pressing his thumb and fourth finger to his temples. She let out a shuddering breath when he looked at her again.

"Yes. But that…I don't know if I want that," Will muttered, his voice betraying a hint of a tremble.

A moment of silence fell between the two of them. Her knee was touching the side of his thigh and his right hand was right next to her left. Mackenzie hoped that the proximity wasn't betraying the amount of disappointment she was feeling right now.

"I don't know if I want to start over because…because I can't quite convince myself 100% that I won't be destroyed again."

He paused to look out the window again and gather his thoughts. Mackenzie thought she had understood him, and she knew that Will was thinking this way. But hearing it from his own mouth by his own words, she felt once again like the worst version of herself that she could have ever been.

"Being in love with you was the best thing that ever happened to me and its end was the most traumatizing thing I've ever experienced. And if it happens again… I won't survive."

"It won't!" Mackenzie yelled.

She didn't know why she had said what she said. She knew she was in no position to make him any promises or vows of faith, but they had worked together for a few years now and thought she gained enough of his trust back. But then, she remembered that she had just gone and betrayed that again.

"Well I'm sure you didn't start our relationship the first time and set out to cheat on me."

When Mackenzie looked at Will, she knew he was regretting what he had just said but wasn't going to say that he was. She knew that he knew he had hurt her a little when he had brought that up again. She had gotten so used to telling herself that she deserved things like that from him, but not tonight. Angry, she stood up from the bed and Will didn't miss the slight wobble that happened when she did.

"I am so sick of you saying nasty shit to me and having to tell myself that I deserve it. I've gotten so used to telling myself that I deserve to be treated like garbage, that I'm going to have to exorcise it out of me when I don't work for you anymore. I hope you're happy that you've ruined my self-esteem. This was exactly what Brian did to me when he dumped me, which is why I cheated on you when it seemed like he wanted to take it all back. But now  _you_ are treating me exactly the way he did. Maybe I'll cheat on my next perfect guy with  _you_ , just to make sure my life is completely FUCKED."

She couldn't tell if Will was furious or hurt from the way he looked at her but she guessed he was a little bit of both when he got up and walked out of her apartment.


	3. Just to show you what I'd done.

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_**CHAPTER 3: Just to show you what I'd done.** _

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_**\------------** _

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It was as bad as Saturday mornings came, when Mackenzie woke up with a headache. She thought she wasn't feeling nauseous until she got up and out of bed and realized quickly that her stomach was also in its forties. She rushed to the kitchen to drink what felt like a gallon of water, made some coffee, and took an aspirin before going to turn on the TV and checking her email. Nothing world-changing or life-threatening was happening at any place she should be concerned about, so she closed her laptop, turned the TV off and went back to sleep.

She woke up to a darkening sky and knocks on her door. Her headache was somewhat settled but her stomach was still not feeling so good. But that probably had something to do with the fact that she hadn't eaten anything all day. She opened the door to find Sloan with some greasy pizza in take-out boxes and Mackenzie thanked God for bringing Sloan into the world.

"I have never been happier to see you."

"Should I be offended by that?"

"No." Mackenzie hugged Sloan and let her into her apartment.

"Are you okay? People told me you really let it out on Will last night," Sloan asked, with an air of genuine concern.

"Who told you that?"

"Will."

Mackenzie shot a look at Sloan, who simply showed Mackenzie the take-out boxes as her defense. Mackenzie rolled her eyes and took one of the boxes from Sloan and made a conscious note to make sure to do something nice for Sloan in return.

"Did Will tell you to bring me pizza?"

"No, he just told me what happened and to come check in on you. I asked myself what I would be doing hung over on a Saturday and pizza seemed like a good answer."

Mackenzie handed Sloan a diet coke from the fridge and decided she was going to opt for the Ginger Ale. She thanked god again for her decision to go grocery shopping the weekend before. The two of them sat down in front of the TV with their pizza in hand.

"How come you're here with me on a Saturday night?" Mackenzie asked, grateful for the company and the food that came with it.

"I canceled my date."

"You did?! You shouldn't have!"

"Nah, it wasn't going to work anyway. I know what kind of guys work at Blackrock. They're probably not my type. Right?"

"And people wonder why you're single." Mackenzie joked, taking the first bite out of her slice.

"Come on, I brought you food."

"That's a fair point, I take that back."

The two of them sat eating, watching some medical documentary on CNN and discussing reasons why the two of them were single. Neither of them could understand why men would ever leave them alone or what exactly was so wrong with them.

"So what happened last night?" Sloan asked, wiping the grease from the sides of her mouth.

"I got drunk."

"You know what, that's exactly the answer I came all this way for."

"I got drunk and asked him how it was going with Nina."

"Kenzie." Sloan added, with that scolding tone that Mackenzie was relatively familiar with.

"Whiskey makes me ask a lot of questions that I normally wouldn't ask and do things I normally wouldn't do."

"I think whiskey does that to most people."

"I asked him how it was going and he said it wasn't. He apparently ended it but the thing is he then told me that they dated for six months! Can you believe it? Six months with that…that parasite!" Mackenzie answered, huffing. She took a long drag on the diet coke and took another bite of her pizza.

"Parasite? That's the best you could come up with? How did you win those Peabodys?"

"I  _produce_  the news, not write it. That's Will's job." Mackenzie replied, still chewing.

"Well, that's a shame about Will and Nina. Can't say I didn't see it coming though."

"You were rooting for them?"

"No, it was just an expression that I thought most people used in these types of situations."

Mackenzie just nodded in return, images of the two of them passing through her mind yet again. She felt an urge for some more whiskey but her stomach definitely protested.

"So what happened after?" Sloan asked again, now fully turning towards Mackenzie on the couch.

"Am I being interrogated?"

"I'm just curious. Will phoned me earlier to ask if I could check in on you and when I asked him why, he just said don't ask and texted me your address."

"He carried me back to my place…"

"Ooh, romantic." Sloan added. When she got the look from Mackenzie again, she added, "Keep going."

"He plopped me down on my bed and I stopped him, told him I was sorry about Genoa and us. For ruining our relationship and our careers. He told me it wasn't my fault but he said he wasn't sure when he would be able to accept my apology for me cheating on him."

Mackenzie paused to take a sip of her diet coke and Sloan finished what was left of her pizza, as she turned off the TV to focus on the story.

"Then I asked another question I normally wouldn't have asked. I asked him if there was a chance he could ever love me again."

Mackenzie didn't know why she felt signs of tears in her eyes. It felt like someone had just placed a half-peeled onion in her vicinity and she was trying hard to not start crying with Sloan there and pizza still in her hand. Sloan just reassured her with a hand on her arm.

"He said…he said he could but he didn't know if he wanted that."

"Well at least he said he could. That's a good start." Sloan replied, rubbing Mackenzie's arm and taking the pizza out of her hands. It was clear to Sloan that Mackenzie was probably going to experience an emotional breakdown in the next couple of minutes.

"We said some more things and he said something hurtful and I said something about maybe I'll cheat on my next guy with him just to make sure my life is fucked. Something like that and he stormed out."

Sloan just sat there quietly, handing Mackenzie some tissues as tears started to flow.

"I'm surprised he even cares I'm alive at this point." Mackenzie added, wiping her face and blowing her nose into the tissue.

"Well he obviously feels bad for what happened last night. So you guys should talk. Maybe I should call him when I leave."

"No, don't do that. I don't want to talk to him today. I think there's still some traces of that damned whiskey in my system."

"Got it."

The two of them sat and chatted some more about Sloan's dates and why she was still single. Mackenzie mentioned Don in the conversation a few times but Sloan seemed timid about her answer. It was clear that Sloan was a little attracted to him but wasn't sure about it, just like Mackenzie wasn't when it started with Will. At around midnight, Sloan said goodbye and left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thought I'd take this chance to be a little more light-hearted and have some fun with Sloan, whom I am really starting to love more and more. Hope to be back with more soon.


	4. Oh, what I wouldn't do.

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_**CHAPTER 4: Oh, what I wouldn't do.** _

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Sunday morning, Mackenzie’s first thought was to call Will. She caught herself in the middle of dialing his number and pressed ‘End’ when she realized she didn’t really know what she would say to him. She got up, relatively recovered from her frightful night of heavy drinking and changed clothes to go jogging along the river.

When she got to her usual jogging path, she was faced with what seemed like a myriad of PDA couples. She decided that jogging in order to forget about what happened between her and Will was an absolutely wrong and stupid choice and vowed to never do it again. She stuck her earbuds in and started running.

She had gone about a mile and a half when she got a text from Will.

‘ _Charlie wants to see us. Come by my place in an hour.’_

Mackenzie decided against going back to her place for a shower before going to his place. She wanted to show Will that she hadn’t just been moping over their fight all weekend and that she was still lively and healthy as ever. She didn’t admit it to herself but she secretly hoped that when he saw her, he would start thinking about how much time they were wasting.

She jogged for another half hour, stopped to grab a drink before getting into a cab and heading to his place. Charlie was already there, having an afternoon drink, while in a heated discussion that was most likely about their future.

“Hey Charlie, how are you?”

“Fine. Sorry I called you here on a Sunday. Were you jogging?" 

“Yeah. I’m sorry I didn’t have time to stop and change.”

Charlie waved her off and poured her a cold glass of orange juice. Mackenzie accepted it with thanks and she looked at Will for the first time since she walked into the apartment. He met her eyes with an apathetic look that she knew entirely too well. She wasn’t going to let herself fuss about it so she shot him a smile.

“What did you want to discuss, Charlie?” Will started, not wanting to waste any time with small talk.

“I’m going to resign." 

“No…” Mac and Will both piped up at the same time. They looked at each other, now with determined looks in their eyes. Mac indicated for Will to go first.

“Come on, Charlie. It can just end with me and everybody can keep their jobs. Honestly, no one knows who you guys are and no one cares!” Before Will could go any further, Mackenzie interrupted him. 

“I told Will on Friday that I was going to resign, because it’s completely my fault. I can say that I totally led Valenzuela and the interview was shot from the get-go. I can say it was my fault for trusting Jerry in the first place. Neither of you have any part in the blame.”

“Come on, Mac. You think the public is going to be satisfied with the resignation of some EP they’ve never heard of? They’re going to demand my head on a plate and I’ll hand it over to them, but it’s just going to be my head and not anyone else’s.”

“That can just be done with a public on-air apology from you and a statement from Charlie.”

“Oh bullshit, if it was that easy, you wouldn’t have to resign.”

“Will you two just stop!?” Charlie shouted, silencing the two parties. “I gave the green light. The buck stops here, with me. I am your boss, whether you like it or not. Will, Leona will not accept your resignation and I don't think she’ll be satisfied with just Mac’s so I’m going to give her mine.”

“But Charlie…” Will muttered.

“Just shut up. That’s that.”

“I thought this was a discussion.” Will retorted, throwing his hands up in the air in confusion.

“Well it wasn’t. I wanted you guys to hear it from me now because I’m going to talk to Leona about it tomorrow.”

“You know what? No. I’m going to be there with you when you see Leona and I’m going to tell her that you and I both have to go.” Will replied, standing up from where he was sitting on the couch. “You can tell her you want to resign, that’s fine. But I’m going to tell her too.”

“What about me?” Mackenzie asked. The two men just ignored her and stood there, silent. The three of them just then comprehended the weight of what they had just discussed. None of them might have jobs by the end of the next day. Even Destiny couldn’t have seen that coming. “I’m still going to resign.”

“Mac…”

“Don’t talk to me like I just need to sit still because I am the executive producer of your show and ultimately it was me, who put it on the air. So I’m resigning, I don’t need your fucking permission!” Mackenzie replied, with a little more force than she thought she was going to use. Charlie and Will stared at her, both of them a little concerned about where this might be heading. “You both know I can’t live with this. I just can’t.”

Will just huffed, grabbed his cigarettes from his dining table and lit one slowly. As he blew out the smoke, he looked out his wall of windows, looking for an answer somewhere in the vast jungle. Charlie just looked at the drink in his hand, swirling it slowly, the sound of ice clinking echoing in the apartment.

“Then all three of us are going to see Leona tomorrow. We’ll tell her we all want to resign and see what she says.” Charlie announced, with a tone that prevented any further arguments or discussion on the matter. “Anyway, sorry about calling you guys on a Sunday. I didn’t want to let you know via email.”

He finished his drink, left the glass on the kitchen counter and said thanks to Will. Before heading to the elevators, he looked back and forth between Will and Mac a few times.

“Now would probably be a good time to resolve those unresolved issues. We may all be unemployed tomorrow.” Charlie said, matter-of-factly. The man knew how to make an exit.

Will didn’t turn around from his position near his wall of windows. He stood there, smoking his cigarette, taking long, thoughtful drags. Mackenzie just looked at his frame and imagined him standing there during the lonely nights or the nights with undeserving company. She suddenly felt a pang of guilt in her heart, a feeling she was starting to get really tired of.

“Thanks for calling Sloan yesterday. She was a life-saver.” Mackenzie started, not knowing what else to say. He didn’t acknowledge her at all or form any kind of answer. She figured that he was still trying to decide whether he was hurt or angry. “Anyway, I’ll leave you alone. See you tomorrow.”

“I’m sorry I hurt you.”

Mac’s legs almost gave way when she heard him say that and had to sit back down for safety.

“No, it’s…I shouldn’t have said what I said that night either. I’m sorry I was drunk.”

“Not just Friday. For punishing you, for the whole Brian thing.” Will answered, turning around slightly to look at her. 

"What?"

"I'm sorry...for being an idiot sometimes. That's all." He replied. She understood that he was trying to tell her he meant this apology.

“Thank you. It…it means a lot.” Mackenzie replied, also trying to let him know by her gaze that she meant every word of it.

“To be honest, I don’t think I’m quite done with my problem with us and I might be inclined to punish you more. But I…I want to tell you that I’ll try to actually start considering your feelings.”

She looked at him, grateful for his sincerity. She wanted to walk over and just slide into his arms but she knew that probably wasn’t allowed. She knew he liked his personal space in times like this and she also wasn’t sure if she would be able to ever leave him if she did just hug him. She kept eye contact with him and nodded. She didn’t think anything else needed to be said and Will didn’t stop her when she left his apartment. 

 


	5. If I had you, babe.

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**_CHAPTER 5: If I had you, babe._ **

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**_\-------_ **

****

"Get it back!"

The three of them sat in stunned silence after Leona's outburst. Before Mackenzie knew it, Leona stormed out of the room complaining about the headache that they were giving her.

"Rebecca, what's going on?" Charlie asked the lawyer, who was still standing in her spot.

"I agree with Leona. I don't think you guys did quite enough to actually lose in court. If we're lucky, I think I can win."

"Don't you mean we?" Will asked.

"No, I meant me." She shot back, smiling.

"This shouldn't be taken to court at all. It can simply end with me." Mackenzie replied, speaking up for the first time since the whole conversation started. "When we talked before, I made it clear that it was  _me_ who got  _them_ in trouble. You can blame all of it on me, say I missed everything…"

"Come on, you can't really be thinking that you are 100% responsible for this." Rebecca replied, shaking her head.

"But otherwise, you're going to have to argue that Jerry Dantana is 100% responsible."

"Not 100%. Just enough to argue that it wasn't institutional failure. I don't know how yet, but I think it's doable."

"Dantana's going to win. You and I know that." Will jumped in, standing up from his chair. "Leona's going to end up giving him more money than what she would have given him if she just settled."

"It's not about the money, Will. Leona actually doesn't want you guys to leave. Can't you see that? She wants to do the honorable thing and stand by you." Rebecca replied, forcefully. "Trust me, I just heard myself say that and I think it's strange too."

"Why are you agreeing with her?" Will asked.

"Because. You're the good guys."

The four of them stood around quietly for a few more minutes until Rebecca quietly left the three of them.

"I'm going to try everything I can to convince her. Don't you guys worry." Charlie said, snapping them all back to reality. The three of them walked out of the room. Charlie went back to his office and Mackenzie and Will came back down to their floor. When Mackenzie walked back into her office, she saw the pile of papers that she was supposed to go through in preparation for the coverage the next day. She realized that she was probably going to be there all night and silently cursed for forgetting to load up on caffeine or even energy drinks. She put her hair up, took her shoes off and settled into her chair to start her reading.

An hour or so later, she heard an office door open and close, and figured it was Will going home. She could just make out Will's figure leaving the newsroom and heading for the elevators. She had returned her attention to the readings for about a minute before his head popped into her office.

"Why aren't you going home?"

"Didn't you just leave?"

"I came back. Why are you still here?"

She simply pointed at the pile of papers sitting on her desk and he just rolled his eyes.

"Is there really anything in there that's going to tell you something that you didn't know already?"

"I'm sure there...could be. You never know." She replied, meeting his eyes over her reading glasses. She saw him hesitate for a second but he stepped into her office fully.

"When's the last time you were outside?"

"About 17 hours ago, why?"

"Come with me." He said, matter-of-factly, grabbing her coat for her.

"Didn't I just direct your attention to this monstrous pile…"

"Forget about that. You need some fresh air and some caffeine." He interrupted and opened the office door. She rolled her eyes, gingerly stepped back into her shoes and reluctantly followed him out of the office. Her walking speed wasn't exactly the most energized so he rushed her along with a hand on her back, which didn't go unnoticed by Mackenzie.

When they were outside, Will said that he knew a food stand a few blocks away, where they could still grab a gyro and some decent coffee and Mackenzie liked the sound of that. They had been walking a minute when Mackenzie broke the ice.

"Can't you fire me?"

Will looked at her like she had just said something completely incomprehensible and she just looked at him, waiting for an answer. He just huffed and rolled his eyes.

"You can fire me, tell people that I'm the one at fault and neither you nor Charlie have to resign."

"I don't think it's that simple."

"Only because you're making it complicated."

"Mac, I'm not going to fire you."

Something about Will's tone of voice stopped Mackenzie from pursuing the topic any further. Maybe it was because he didn't want to be seen like an anchor pushing all the blame to his executive producer and avoiding taking responsibility for what was ultimately his time on the air. She was a little hurt by that possibility but she wasn't sure how much she really believed it.

They arrived at the stand and Mackenzie realized that she had needed this more than she knew. She was hungry and tired, and this was going to help with that at least temporarily. They got the food and coffee to go and walked back to the ACN building.

"Thanks for getting me outside. I needed that." Mackenzie told Will, who just tightly smiled in response. Then, a fleeting thought ran through her mind. Maybe this is his way of caring about her feelings because he was worried that she was going to take this the hardest. She definitely was the one taking it the hardest because she had torn down everything she worked hard for, with her own hands. It wasn't just the show that she had worked for but her somewhat improving relationship with Will and her life adjusting to life after…that. It had all come crashing down, all because she didn't check early enough and because she decided to put it on the air.

"Stop thinking about it." That was the second time in a few days that Will read her thoughts and interrupted a self-destructive chain of musings that really was only going to end in her blaming herself endlessly. She nodded and went back inside, her back still a little warm from where he had put his hand just moments ago.


	6. If I were old, my dearest, you would be older.

****

**_  
CHAPTER 6: If I were old, my dearest, you would be older._ **

 =============

 

Mackenzie knew Will was watching her the whole time she was going through things with the staff in his room. She didn’t exactly know why he suddenly took an interest in her but she figured it was probably the way she looked. But with a million different things running through her head right now, she could care less. The least of which was the aftermath of Genoa and the fact that Leona was going to hold them in material breach if they continued to insist that they resign. She didn’t know why but she decided then and there that she was going to give that priority. The impulsivity probably had something to do with her lack of sleep.

 

“Can you give us a minute?”

 

“Have a good show guys.” Will piped up. He was definitely nicer to the staff and more approachable than he was a few years ago but Mackenzie knew now was not the time to marvel at how far they’d come. She waited until everyone cleared the room and looked at Will, who was now suddenly more interested in his notepad than her.

 

“The lawyer said she’d hold you in breach.”

 

“Yeah.” He replied, like it was no big deal. He could possibly be facing another lawsuit and everything is just dandy.

 

“Rebecca…”

 

“Greenway from the general counsel’s office…”

 

“…said she’d hold you and Charlie in material breach?”

 

“And invoke the non-compete clause. Why don’t we drop it for six hours?” There was that non-compete clause again. She knew he was responding to things she was asking but for some reason, his answers didn’t satisfy her. At all.

 

“What’s Charlie gonna do now?”

 

“Reese is having a viewing party on the 44th floor, Charlie’s gonna work the flo…”

 

“The suit’s gonna be filed tomorrow morning.” She interrupted, talking to him as if he didn't quite understand the scale of this whole thing. How was he just passing this off as just some fleeting problem?

 

“Mac…”

 

“That’s a  _public_  document. If we can’t get this done tonight…”

 

“I understand.”

 

“If she’ll agree to settle tonight, that’s a…”

 

“I’m with you.” She registered that his voice sounded a lot calmer and a lot more careful than he usually was with her. She registered that he was trying to make sure she felt like she had support and she registered that look in his eyes, the one that she used to see back in the days of her not being a stupid brat. But that was for another time. Right?

 

“The world doesn’t have to see a list, you know? A full-on description of every embarrassing thing that’s gone on here in the last 14-months.”

 

“The complaint will cover more than 14 months but don’t worry about it. It’s…” That was reassuring. Thanks for the reminder, McAvoy.

 

“Stop saying that!”

 

“There’s going to be hours of literally nothing but breaking news and you’re the traffic cop at the intersection of all of it. During light moments, only 3 people will be speaking in your ear at once but usually it’ll be 10. I obviously don’t have to say that we need to do well,” he replied. She didn't know if that was meant to be a compliment or a warning that she shouldn’t fuck up. “That’s why my suggestion is that right now, not to worry about it till we’re off the air.”

 

She didn’t hear that last bit because she was busy finding her way into the chair across from him. She wanted to ask him something but was trying to find the best way to ask it. She didn’t know why he was being so easy-going about this whole thing. This was obviously the worst thing that could ever happen to his image and his career as a whole. It had lost him most, if not all, of his fans and a lot of his viewers. But why was she being the worried and panicked one this time? What was he not telling her? And why wasn’t he telling her off right now?

 

“Would you do me a favor?”

 

“Anything.” That didn’t sound like a real answer to Mackenzie’s ears, which were beginning to feel warmer with her growing anxiety and possibly some anger.

 

“I mean this.”

 

“Me too.” More smartassery.

 

“I’m not fucking around.”

 

“What’s the favor?” He asked. Mackenzie paused to look at him to let her know that she was completely serious. She probably looked much more serious than she was feeling, thanks to the bags under her eyes. Weird how those bags were actually working in her favor at the moment.

 

“Say what you want to say to me.”

 

“What?” He asked. She wasn’t going to let him off the hook this time.

 

“Yes.”

 

“Then I’ll say that I’m alarmed by how little sleep you’ve had and that you’re about to go do this.” There was the classic McAvoy maneuver of ‘avoid the answer she wants.’

 

“That’s not what I’m talking about.”

 

“That’s what  _I’m_ talking about. You’re the most attractive woman I’ve ever seen in real life and I’m sticking by that statement and everything. But right now, you’re not making it easy. Can you do this?” This time, she definitely registered the compliment and it made her heart skip a beat but she hated him for choosing this moment to be nice to her. She was trying to get to the bottom of something, and she needed to stay annoyed, at least, to do it.

 

“Of course I can do this. No news producer in America has had sleep.”

 

“They’ve had some.”

 

“Forget about that.” Mackenzie stood up again, because if she kept sitting, she thought all her energy (or what was left of it) might just be drained into the ground. She also thought she was dangerously close to falling asleep anywhere she sat or even leaned.

 

“You look like you were grown in an environment where it’s dark and damp.”

 

“Lovely. But I’m talking about Genoa.” Mackenzie fired back, not giving him room to gloat on his little smartass remark. She crossed her arms in defiance, a little proud that she had managed to get him on track.

 

“Why? We’re going to be spending plenty of time talking about it. God knows, if we ever take a break, the New York Times will keep talking about it for us. Come on, six hours of live election coverage! For you and me, that’s like an orgy in a spa where there’s college football games on TV and from the trees hanging Christian Louboutins.” She recognized the words that were coming out of his mouth and she gave them some fleeting thought (the Louboutins more than anything else) but she already knew what she wanted to say and was going to say it.

 

“I feel like…”

 

“All in your size, all different kinds,” he interrupted, and Mackenzie rolled her eyes at the fact that he was trying to steer her in another direction. She wanted to let him know quite directly that she was in no mood for his word games. “Heels like light sabres. Boots! Boots are hanging from the trees. You feel like I’m what?”

 

“A bomb that hasn’t detonated.” She was convinced that she was right on this matter. She was pretty sure that the right thing to have happened was Will yelling at her for fucking up on Genoa. And it should have happened 2 months ago. But he still has yet to yell at her for anything. He’s been going easier on her recently and she wasn’t sure if that was because he was gearing up for some huge argument with her, where he would literally disarm every kind of defense mechanism she had in her armory or if it was because… well the second possibility had very little credibility, so she had put it out of her mind completely.

 

“You do.”

 

“And it’s going to. And I could live without the element of surprise. So if we could…”

 

“Suede! Lots of suede.” There was the avoidance again. Sometimes he could be so predictable.

 

“…hurt locker this thing. It’d be helpful.”

 

“I’m not a bomb that’s about to explode. In fact, I didn’t want to brag, but I’ve been put in charge of morale for the night.” When he replied, she knew he wasn’t really listening to what she was saying. He was trying to not have the conversation she was dying to have but she was so tired of this pushing and pulling. So she indulged him. For a moment.

 

“By who?”

 

“I did it.” God.

 

“This is the  _worst_  situation you’ve ever faced in your life.” She wanted to clarify this and make sure that he was understanding the words she was saying and the full meaning of them. She was going to push his buttons and get him to a tipping point where they could just yell at each other and get it all out.

 

“So far…”

 

“And you’d agree I’m responsible.” Button #1.

 

“I 100% disagree. Jerry Dantana is responsible,” he replied. Mackenzie had a few more buttons she thought she could push but she decided he wasn’t going to give in right now and perhaps getting him upset about things right before a long night might be a bad idea. So she decided to grab her things. “But, I have an idea. I don’t know if you heard, but I was recently appointed director of morale…”

 

“Fuck it…” She knew her trying to leave might actually make him feel bad for all the avoiding he was doing and ask her the question.

 

“What do you want from me?”

 

“I wanted to know what the punishment was going to be this time.” Button #2.

 

“This time?”

 

“I’ll be in the control room.”

 

“What was the punishment last time?” He asked, with an air of complete innocence and indifference. This actually made Mackenzie step back in the room and look at him as if he was a lunatic who had just suffered a bout of amnesia.

 

“Seriously?”

 

“How have…There’s not one in the world…you were sleeping with…for 4 months, you were…”

 

“I was fucking my ex-boyfriend.” Button #3.

 

“Lying.”

 

And that one seemed to finally have an effect, but not the effect she wanted it to have. It didn’t make him mad, it somehow made him flinch and she thought he looked a little hurt by the coarse language that just came out of her mouth. She didn’t even like hearing herself say that. But she was too tired and she was too annoyed to feel bad about it.

 

“And yeah…you were…I’ve never heard you use that word as a verb before.”

 

“I didn’t like how it sounded.” She whispered, before she could stop herself.

 

“Wasn’t a punishment. I broke up with you. You’re the only person who’s baffled by why.” By why?! That wasn’t what she was baffled by! How dare he accuse her of feeling sorry for herself that he broke up with her! Was that really what he thought?

 

“I’ve got news for you. You’re the only person who’s  _not_  baffled, why it’s 6 years later!”

 

“I’m unforgiving?” That might make Anderson’s Ridiculist for one of the biggest understatements of the year.

 

“So you understand my concern when it comes to Genoa and wrecking your professional life too, which – let’s face it – you take more seriously than your personal life anyway!” There she was out with it and now he could do whatever he wanted with it. She hoped it was arguing, yelling or swearing at her.

 

“I’ll try to figure out why.” She didn’t know if he was being 100% sarcastic or only 99% sarcastic.

 

“So what’s in store?”

 

“You know what, hon? Can I just say, fuck you?” Normally she would have been appalled that he said that to her but this time it felt good. Like she won the small fight.

 

“Yeah!”

 

“I’ve never punished you.” He replied, squinting an eye, as if he was absolutely sure that he was right and she was just delusional. Was he being serious? Did he not remember apologizing to her the night before about it? Did he not remember telling her that he brought Brian in to  _punish_ her? But she was too tired to break out in another rant about how much of a hypocrite he was being right now.

 

“King George forgave  _America_ in less time than it’s taken you…!”

 

“What is the right amount of time? You and everyone else is baffled it’s  _six_ years. I assume you’re talking about the staff. How long do you guys think is the right amount of time?”

 

“28 months.” She came up with a random number in her head and she immediately regretted blurting something out. If she was going to do that, at least come up with a number that might actually be meaningful to the two of them. But no, lady luck did not smile upon her exhausted self tonight.

 

“You seriously came up with a number?”

 

“I was kidding.”

 

Then the intern walked into the office and told them they were needed. Mackenzie knew that she was now going to have to let this go and was totally annoyed with herself that she didn’t get as far as she hoped. Maybe she didn’t really know the right buttons to push with him anymore. Maybe now she didn’t know him as well as she thought she did. Because he could have changed in 6 years. He could be a totally different man from the one she fell in love with. From the one she thinks is perfect and the one that she thinks would have been the life that she was happy with. If he is a different man, maybe it’s all for the best that this is not happening. Yeah. Maybe this  _is_  all for the best. Fuck him.

 

“I’m sorry I didn’t explode for you.” The smug bastard.

 

“It’s a long night.”

 

\----------------------------------

 

“Fire me, you’re the only one who can do it.”

 

When Mackenzie told Will those words, a part of her really believed them. She wanted to be fired and take one for the whole team. Like she said, many times before, it could stop with her taking the fall for the whole debacle. Leona could probably win the lawsuit and Charlie and Will’s jobs would be saved. But a tiny part of her, maybe 2%, wanted Will to not fire her. To tell her to stay by his side. And she didn’t know which side was winning over when he closed the office door.

 

“I was a really good boyfriend.”

 

His statement completely threw her off track and she looked right into his eyes, tilting her head a little bit. She wasn’t quite sure why he was all of a sudden going soft on her, making her feel a little bad about the outburst she had had earlier. She also felt terrible that he might think she thought otherwise.

 

“I know that. I never said you weren’t.”

 

“You sort of did.”

 

“That’s wrong!”

 

“You think… You think I’m not firing you because it would make me  _look bad_? That crossed your mind?”

 

She was afraid to say that it did, when she asked him about it on their little walk to the gyro stand. She didn’t really give it much thought because she would never think that of him. But for some reason, she didn’t want to tell him that. She didn’t want to tell him that a part of her wanted to stay close to him and work close to him, even though it often reminded her of how stupid she had been. She didn’t want to tell him that she was just waiting for him to forgive her for her stupid mistake and she could… they could… So she didn’t. Instead, she chose to give voice to the tiny little evil voice that told her he wasn’t firing her because of his image.

 

“Give me a break, Billy. It’s not like you’re indifferent to your image…”

 

“My image?!” He shouted. She wasn’t expecting him to give way to emotion like that once she said that. She figured he’d just roll his eyes and huff but he genuinely looked hurt, like the moment she talked about fucking Brian in his office a few hours ago. “What have I ever done to deserve that?”

 

He hadn’t ever done anything to deserve that. It was just that she was a coward and she couldn’t possibly bear telling him the truth about what she thought. Because if she did and he just flat out said no to her, it would probably end her. She was opting to not tell him the truth, because  _that way_ , she could say that they aren’t together because  _he hasn’t forgiven her yet_. But if she did tell him and he just said no, she would have to say that they aren’t together because  _he’s not in love with her anymore._  The choice was obvious.

 

“How big a dick do you think I am and how long have you thought it?”

 

She didn’t think he was one at all. Well, maybe from time to time, but never seriously. She couldn’t tell him that now either. If he stayed mad at her this way, maybe he’d have more incentive to fire her. She didn’t want to soften up in front of him now, when she had done so well so far. So all she could do was sigh and look at the desk.

 

“I was a good guy. I was a good, guy.”

 

His voice had gone hoarse for a second and that made her look up at him again. His eyes had gotten a little red and she knew it was because he was disappointed. Disappointed with her and probably a little with himself, because he could never completely blame her for anything. But she knew he believed every word he was saying right now.

 

She knew that this was the most truthful that he had ever been with her since they started the show.

 

“You’re fired, end of the broadcast. Please don’t tell anyone.”

 

Her heart stopped and it felt like it plummeted down to the very base of her stomach but she didn’t know if that was from relief or from fear. Those two emotions sometimes coincided with one another and it was hard to tell them apart from time to time. So she just nodded. Because that was all she could do to keep herself from breaking down right in front of him, telling him that she was sorry. Again.

 

“I won’t.”


End file.
